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A Letter for those who dismiss Abuse.

This is a letter for those who dismiss abuse as it “not being that bad, it can’t possibly have been” or “you know, my parents used to smack me on my hand whenever I misbehaved”. Yes, it really was that bad and no, it was never just a “smack” on the hand.

This is also a letter for my parents, although I highly doubt that they will ever come across this as they are unaware of my personal activities such as running a somewhat dormant blog.

To my mother, you say that you “cannot remember, but that you are sorry for whatever it was that happened, that was not meant to cause me any physical or emotional harm”.  You forget also that it wasn’t just me you hurt, my four other siblings also succumbed to your outbursts. You also apologise but you admit that you don’t know what it is you’re apologising for. You promise that you will change, I’ve given you what must be, by now,  thousands of what are only supposed to be “second” chances; how long until these thousandth second chances run out?

To my father, you say that you also forget “you know how it is, my memory is not what it used to be” and whenever I try to have a calm and mature conversation with you about how the family reacted to the abuse and what was said you always get so defensive, saying that “I shouldn’t listen to them” that “they’re all liars and that I should know not to believe a word they say” but I was there, I. was. there. It hurts you know. That I can’t talk to you, that when I try to, you just dismiss it like it never actually happened. But that’s the thing, dad, it did happen. I remember you saying once that “what happens in the past should stay in the past” but it really is not that easy. Whenever I see a child being yelled at by their parent or guardian, that triggers me, it causes me to have panic attacks, I would just be sitting in a cafe minding my own business when my brain would decide to throw out a small and awful memory of you, it causes me pain, to cry out or to depersonalise. That was how I coped a lot of the time, by taking my mind else where and creating my own safe bubble where nothing bad could ever happen. I feel that I have a lot to say to you, dad because I have never been able to speak with you the way I have sometimes with mum. You’re not a very good listener. To you, I say, learn to just listen, just listen, listen even when it’s too difficult to hear.

Now I would like to address those who assume. I met a man once, actually, quite recently, let me paint the picture for you. We were sat at the kitchen table watching the news when they started to talk about children in poor countries who were being abused. Now, this man was a complete stranger, (and still is in my mind) I knew nothing about him and nor him me, a conversation started, about how terrible it all was, when I decided to say that I, unfortunately, knew exactly what it was like, that is when he turned to me and said with 100 percent certainty that “No, you have no idea what it is like for those children” I retorted, “yes actually, I do.” he then replied with finality, “no, you really don’t, your culture is completely different so you will never understand.” This of course really annoyed me. To him, I must seem like an ignorant little girl with her nose up in the air (of course that was how it felt at the time) but what upset me the most was having a fully grown man tell me what I can or cannot understand and assuming that I had always been brought up in one culture, surrounded by safety and luxuries, I had only known this man for two days. Never ever make assumptions. You don’t know what any one person has been through in their life time.

I will share my story with you soon.

 

 

i am untitled

I feel that I am slowly losing myself.

I am but a spec of dust, drifting, in a v a s t expanse of the universe.

It’s nice here, just me and nothingness, but eventually, I have to drift back down, back to reality.

Life is so difficult.

Everyone around me seems so good at living life, they keep going.

I see them come home from a long day at work and they’re tired, exhausted, from their day but that’s ok.

But I don’t know how they do that, how they keep going.

When I go to work I am anxious, I get things wrong, a lot.

I’ve not worked at many places but all have had the same reaction towards me and I know that it is something that I am doing wrong to be getting that reaction.

I no longer have a job because the last place I worked at let me go, I made too many mistakes, towards the end I made at least one mistake every. single. day.

I have a lump in my throat, I feel so stupid.

I’m struggling to get through, but I feel as though I am paleing* in comparison with the rest of the world. and I don’t mind. Maybe it would be better if I just disappeared. like I never even existed anyway. Of course, I am just speaking metaphorically.

I have been turned down from so many jobs, it’s so disheartening. And I haven’t heard from 10 times the jobs that I have applied for.

I think that the main cause of all my troubles is that, I don’t actually know what I want to do with my future. And, I think that my resume makes that clear.

I am just a creative, looking for a creative job.

 

 

 

 

 

*I’m not sure what the correct word is for what I am trying to describe here.

“Much of the beauty that arises in art comes from the struggle an artist wages with his limited medium.” – Henri Matisse

I realise that I haven’t posted anything since my first post three months ago.

I apologise for my absence. Time seems to escape from my grasp ever so easily, like a rug being pulled from beneath my feet. I feel that I have become careless with time, allowing it to just slip by as I do.

I have been busy, my course work is becoming more difficult and my job itself leaves me feeling exhausted by the end of each day, I’ve had very little time to spend on what I would like to do, and I find this frustrating.

 

I’ve set myself a new project, something to do for fun! This weekend I am going to be kept busy working on commissions, I’m helping other people around the world send love notes to those that they love and care for, and I’ll be painting and drawing for these love notes! Some will be free as I’ll only be sending photographs of my work with the British nature in the background, for some there will be a small charge as a few people would like to have their requested piece posted to them.

I’m new to all this commissioning of work, therefore I’m new to what I should be pricing my work for and how to tell those commissioning me that if they want it posted that there will be a fee.

I feel utterly awful for giving a charge, it makes me feel guilty and rude. But it costs me money to paint and draw commissions and it costs me money to post the item too.

I’ve been thinking about this all morning as two days ago I had someone request for a giraffe to be specifically painted for their daughter and they offered to pay which is great as it makes it easier for me to avoid asking and I really appreciate them offering that as it shows that they are aware of the time and the effort that goes into doing these paintings. Last night I had someone else ask me to paint a piece  and to post it to them, but they haven’t offered to pay and therefore I feel stuck as I cannot possibly post an original piece without there being a small fee to pay first.

I asked myself, if this was another artist coming to me for help as to what to do in the same circumstance I would say that, ‘you shouldn’t feel guilty about charging for your work, as an artist we have to make a living and to support our art so that we’re then able to continue to create more art in the future.” 

I found courage in this, I also spoke to a few friends who said that I’m already being generous by not charging the full amount that I should, and so I finally replied to that person asking for the work to be posted and I said “I can post it but there will be a small charge to pay”, unfortunately they haven’t replied, this was my fear, I didn’t want to lose their interest as it is already so difficult to sell art.

I think that I shouldn’t be afraid of people not wanting to buy my work. I believe that there are two different types of people when it comes to art, those who will “buy” art if it’s free or very cheap and those who will buy art because they love quality. I want to strive for those who want quality.

I would love to hear your thoughts and opinions on this topic, I think that it’s important we discuss these matters, this way we won’t feel alone on our path to becoming artists and we can be able to support one another.
Sofia x

“If you hear a voice within you say ‘you cannot paint,’ then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.”- Vincent Van Gogh

Hello,

I have decided to start this blog as a means to share my art with the world, I know that I have a talent and I’m not so shy anymore as to share that talent with everyone because it is the only true thing that I am good at, it’s the only thing I know and I love it.

On November 12th 2016 I felt like I finally got to meet my Hero for the very first time, Vincent Van Gogh. What I would give to meet him, to be able to talk to him and show him how much I appreciate his works. I saw the Sunflowers, Wheat field with Cypresses, Two Crabs and Van Gogh’s Chair. I was close to tears and I only wish I could have stayed longer but it was so packed full of people trying to get through to the front, it was carnage.

I took a step back to have a look at my surroundings and immediately noticed a couple making out like their lives depended on it, the passion flowing between them as they kissed in front of Van Gogh’s paintings, I noticed an old man silently wipe a tear from his eye and wiping his glasses clean with a handkerchief and all while it was loud and swarming with people too desperate to get a photo in front of it to fully take in his work and just appreciate it.

I went back to that room three times, I couldn’t help it, I had to make the most of finally seeing my hero’s work.

Well, now I guess I should tell you what you should expect from me here, on this blog I will write about things that inspire me, I’ll share posts with you about new paintings I have been working on and the process, I would like to share videos too but that might come round later.

I want to use this space as a way to develop my skill further and to meet and speak to fellow artisans because I only know a few and they are my dearest friends.

I hope to make more dear friends in hopes of discussing things like the future of artists, perhaps to even write to one another, whether that be by emails or letters.

 

I hope this blog finds you well,

Sofia